Why opting in was simultaneously the best and worst thing I could’ve done

 

September.

It’s been just over a month since I finished my opt in placement, and I still don’t think that’s enough time to process everything. Life has been in the Upside Down since March, and I don’t think I realised then how much this would impact my studies. 

 

So here we are, after 14 weeks on the frontline, and I still can’t say whether it was actually a good or bad thing. 

 

I mean, I’ve come out of it feeling confident about my abilities as a student, and honestly, I have learnt so much. I’ve also found a specialty I love and plan on working in once I qualify. My confidence has grown, I am no longer afraid that people are judging my abilities, and I feel like this has been a definitive period of personal growth. I have been wholly supported and included on placement, I have made friends, and I now work there regularly as a healthcare assistant (let’s face it- who isn’t broke right now?!) because they asked me to come back.

 

But, I can’t help but feel, at what cost?

 

I cannot pretend that COVID-19 happening in the middle of my degree has not had a profound impact on my mental health. It would also be false to say that working with COVID patients has not caused me mental anguish at the risk I might be bringing home to my family. And it would be an outright lie to say that my academic abilities were not compromised, frankly, deadlines were a laughable concept considering I spent a lot of time worrying that I might catch COVID and die. It seems fatalistic, but I won’t pretend I never thought it. 

 

So here we are, again. 

 

Professionally, I am aware that COVID-19 might be one of the toughest things I will ever face as a nurse. I am also aware that it is probably the best experience I could have had during my training, teaching me compassion, resilience, confidence, and so much more. Personally, I have never been so stressed and anxious at the idea of being a risk to my child and partner. The anxiety was all-encompassing, and it’s never left. It’s something I am going to carry with me for the foreseeable future, and it’s up to me to deal with that. 

It’s the choice I made, and I don’t think I will ever know if it was the right one.