That’s pretty much what the last few weeks has been about. Placement is creeping closer and closer, and this week we finished our last exam until afterwards. It’s been a while because honestly the last few weeks has been a bit mental, personally and academically. Calum’s been super stressed and tired, he’s been working so many hours trying to make us a bit of money, whilst looking after Alys, as well as trying to do all the leftover DIY jobs in the house and get the garden sorted for summer so it’s safe for her to play in. I’ve been trying to help as much as I can, which is hard when I’m in uni on weekdays, I don’t get home til after 4, I give the baby her tea as he goes to work at 5, entertain her for a few hours, do bedtime, and by the time I get to eat my tea and get on with stuff it’s gone 9pm. There’s just not enough time in the day, and I worry that he’s unhappy with it all. She’s been teething like a monster as well which has made things (bedtime!) a lot more difficult. Thank god for calpol!
Aside from that, my best friend just had a baby she didn't even know she was pregnant with until 4 days before she went into labour, so it's all been a bit chaotic. Luckily the baby is okay- she was born at what they think was 35 weeks- she's a bit small but she's doing good. It's mad though because she's the same size Alys was when she was born, and she was full term! The mum's doing okay, it's obviously a bit of a shock and I said to her that I think the stress of finding out she was 8 months pregnant (no bump or anything!!) probably sent her into early labour. It's a good thing I kept all those baby clothes!
AND
Alys's godparents also had their baby as well, although she was actually planned, and they had to spend 3 days in NICU as baby got stuck on her way out and had some trouble breathing. They both look like they're getting on well with it though, although I have been sharing more PND mental health things on my facebook- it's really hard to be a new mum especially as there's so much pressure and people telling you to 'enjoy it'. Honestly if anyone says that to me if I have another one, I'll probably snap. There's not much enjoyable about raging hormones, sore nipples, sleep deprivation and stitches in your vagina!!
So many babies around at the moment. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty about not really enjoying having Alys at first. I really struggled with my feelings and everything, and I know Calum did as well, and that whole first 4 months of hers is just a blur of trying to get through it. I was lucky that I managed to speak to people about it, and I think my love for her came gradually instead of in a 'rush'. Couldn't be without her now.
So, anyway, we had the handwashing exam (which I passed!) as well as the MCQ, the recognising the sick patient practical, and the safe medicate exam.
The MCQ wasn’t actually as bad as I thought, although some of the girls were really anxious about it and kind of overanalysed it afterwards. I guess that’s just human nature, but to be honest I said to them before we went in that you only actually have to get 14/30 right to pass. I think they probably think I don’t care about some things, or don’t get nervous, but the reality of it is that stressing about it isn’t going to make you do any better. I’ve reached a stage in my life now where I just try and take things as they come- if you can’t do anything to change the situation then there’s no point worrying about it. But maybe that’s just me. I care about what I’m doing without a doubt, but I know there’s no point letting it effect my mental health, that’s not good for anyone. I think the one I found the worst was RSP, but that was mainly because I hate the idea of roleplaying- I can talk for England in real life but ask me to pretend and it’s so far out of my comfort zone ha!
The exams went well to be honest: I got 93% in the MCQ, passed handwashing and RSP practical, and got 100% in the SafeMedicate one. I probably should be more proud of myself really. I think a lot of people put stuff on Facebook and things, but I’ve never really been one for bragging about grades and all that. I think sometimes it can feel like a bit of a competition- who did better than who- but I hate that and I’m just happy to pass. Let’s face it, in 10 years’ time nobody is going to be asking what marks we got on an MCQ exam in the 1styear, are they?!
But I will admit it does make me feel a bit more like I’m doing the right thing. The mum-guilt is real.
So now all that’s over and done with we’re back to full on lectures until the end of this week, when we have a reading week before placement. I’m still anxious about that to be honest, it’s like the first day of a new job all over again, except this time I probably have more to worry about than just spilling a pint of carling! A few of the lectures in this module have been really interesting though, although I did find one or two of the mental health lectures really hard to sit through. It sounds ridiculous because I really would love to raise awareness about mental health post-baby (for men and women) but one of the people we had in to talk to us took me back to when I was a lot younger and really not very well at all. I guess it was a bit triggering in a way, hearing her talk about attempted suicide and everything to do with it, I spent a lot of my younger years in a really dark place and on a lot of medication, speaking to a lot of people and generally thinking I wasn’t good enough for anything. I mean, I’ve been better for years now aside from the too-common post-natal blip, but I wouldn’t really count that as I was aware of how I was feeling and went to see my GP straight away once the intrusive thoughts started. But there was something about sitting and listening to the talk that really reminded me of how I was, and it took me back to my very poorly 19-year-old self.
We’ve also done a few smaller group work seminar-type things which have been helpful. I think it’s because I enjoy more of a discussion about things instead of being talked at all the time- which most of the first module was. I know it was because we had to take in a lot of info starting the course, but I feel like I get more out of smaller groups and being able to talk about it, and I know most of the other girls feel the same.
I did start feeling bad this week though because I think I talk too much, or ask too many questions, but I think I probably just have to remind myself that we’re here to learn, and honestly these sessions would be really awkward if we all just sat there in silence!
We found out our placements and I’m with one of the Community Nurses.
I’m really happy about this to be honest. I mean, I’m a little worried about being in a car all day with the same person, it’s such an intimate space and it’ll kill me if I don’t have someone who can hold a conversation. I appreciate we’re there to do other things and not just socialise, but it makes the whole situation a little bit easier really if the person you’re spending most of the day with has a sense of humour! I think I’m just a little worried as well because I’ve never done anything like this before. A lot of the other people in my cohort have care experience or already work in the hospital in some manner, whereas I’m just used to pulling pints and telling off drunk people! It sure is going to be a massive change, but I think that’s why I’m glad I haven’t been thrown straight into being on a ward, it’s not as much of a baptism of fire. It’s good as well because I’ll get to meet a lot of different people, but also see how nursing works in a setting other than the hospital, and what the NHS does for people who have care in their own homes. I think it’s probably a completely different experience to being on a ward.
It’s been a good few weeks though, as well as a busy one. I’ve just got to wait for my placement mentor to ring me back to arrange the first shift- hopefully Monday- so then I know what time I’m starting as well. I think it’ll all seem a bit more real as it gets closer.
My life after uni this week has been this:
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